Not entirely unexpectedly, L. decided that this was a good time to break up with me again. She had been very distant and non-committal since before I even had left for San Francisco. Although she was sympathetic and supportive when I got sick, and even brought over food for me earlier this week, there was still an iciness under the tone and mannerisms. Friday she leaves for New York for the weekend (I wasn't invited), and it became apparent that she was going to leave without even saying "goodbye" to me, so I called her tonight and asked, "What's going on?"
"Well . . .," she replied. "I was going to wait until I came back from New York and you were feeling better to talk to you, but I guess I can tell you now." As long-time readers of this blog know by now, this action is not without precedent, but this time had a finality to it that I don't think we'll overcome.
What can I say? She wants to be free, and I don't want to be her oppressor. Sesshin starts this weekend, and my dharma practice, once again, will be to let go of my attachments, to her, to us.
As the Buddha said, "Not to get what one wants is suffering." Also, "dissociation from the pleasant is suffering." Okay, First Noble Truth, the existence of suffering. I get it. Lesson over, okay?
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