On The Theory of the Conservation of Consonants

 

I have a theory on the conservation of consonants.  My theory is that there's a natural law that states consonants cannot be created or destroyed.  There's a fixed number of consonants, and that number never grows and never diminishes.

Consider this: someone in New England says he's concerned about the "gah-den," dropping the "r" in the word "garden."  Now where does that dropped "r" go?  Does it just disappear, never to be heard again?  No, the Theory of the Conservation of Consonants states that consonants cannot be destroyed, so the dropped "r" must reappear somewhere else in speech, and therefore someone from Ohio has to go "war-ter" that garden.

Now, where did that extra "r" in "water" come from?  Did it just suddenly appear out of nowhere? No, the Theory of the Conservation of Consonants holds that consonants cannot be created, so it must be the same "r" that was just dropped from the "gah-den," as consonants cannot be destroyed, either.

I'll put it this way: every time someone in Boston "pahks the cah in the yahd," someone else "warshes the soder off the pianer."  Every time a New Yorker takes a cab to "Toity-Toid and Toid Street," someone else gets an "idear about the dater coming from Warshington."  There's always the exact same number of consonants in human speech, and minus one here means plus one there.

Still don't believe me?  Still don't accept the Theory of the Conservation of Consonants?  Then explain this to me - recently, Hillary Clinton was accused of stating that she was going to raise taxes on the middle class, but what she actually said was "we aren't going to raise taxes on the middle class," but she (kinda, sorta) dropped the "t" in "aren't" (she did get the "n" in, however).

Now, where did that dropped "t" go?  The Theory of the Conservation of Consonants holds that it must turn up somewhere, and here it is, hilariously appearing at the beginning of "cities" in a Donald Trump speech:

Concerned scientists are studying where Trump's dropped "c" will appear, and everyone's praying it's no where near the word "aunt."