Sometimes, I wonder if seeing how one's own mind works is a curse or a blessing. I've been watching my own squirm while my life has been transforming into its next phase, whatever that might be, and while it would be easier, reassuring even, to blame the emotional roller coaster on which I find myself on external factors, it's clear to me that it's all just my own mind.
Earlier this week, for probably the first time since September, I started to feel somewhat in control of my own destiny. Last Friday, I had an interview with a potential employer that went fairly well, although there were other things still that have to be considered before a decision can be made one way or the other. I managed to bill a good number of hours on Monday to my up-to-then sole client (my former employer) and on Tuesday I picked up my second client, although he doesn't have any work for me right at this moment. On top of these relative successes, I did my zen thing Sunday up in Chattanooga and on Monday night in Atlanta, things with which I'm comfortable and familiar, so I was feeling relatively comfortable.
But today I encountered the void that was Wednesday and panic set in. The phone didn't ring, the email didn't ping, and the fat lady didn't sing (to stick with the rhyme scheme). I went down to the state agency to review some files, and ran into a professional nemesis - the person who had let me go from a firm at which I had worked five years ago - reminding me of failures of the past. Later, I went to a meeting of a professional association at which I was hoping to pass out some business cards and line up some new potential clients, but the turnout was much smaller than anticipated, consisting mostly of individuals from the firm with which I had interviewed on Friday, and others whom, for various reasons, I didn't want to announce my new, independent status.
Letting things unfold as they will means not clinging to goals of prosperity and renown, nor does it mean inviting failure and defeat. But accepting the possibility of success, seeing even the slightest glimpse of good fortune, can create desires that lead to clinging and ultimately to suffering.
So this is what life has in store for me right now. Everything is impermanent, even this sensation of impermanence, so my best advise for myself is to just ride it out as best as I can, and even attempt to enjoy the ride. The only thing that could make this any less pleasant than it needs to be is my own mind, and one advantage of the time off is having more opportunities for practice, more time to watch the mind at work and maybe even to keep it in reign.