Christmas Message

From: Sputnik
Subject: Christmas Message
Date: Thu, 09 Dec 2004 12:17:05

I think it's nearly Christmas.

I say that because it's December 5th, and we have a fully decorated Christmas tree in our living room, blinking happily. When I was a kid, do you know when we put the tree up? December 24th! And do you know when we took it down again? December 26th! 3 days! That was it! And we got rocks for christmas. That's it. Just rocks. Oh, sure, some of them were PRETTY rocks, but that's NOT THE POINT! Kids have it too easy these days. When I was a kid, we made our christmas presents ourselves, out of locally available materials, like sticks, grass, mud, and toxic waste. And then we wrapped it in old newspaper, and we gave them to ourselves. And PRETENDED TO BE SURPRISED! I mean, what is going on with kids these days, with their nintendo, their colecovision, and whatnot. It's all virtual reality these days. Whatever happend to REAL reality anymore? And whatever happened to the Lawrence Welk show, anyway? That was a good show.

But I digress.

The tree blinks, the cat plays with the tinsel, and guaranteed, I'm going to have to be pulling tinsel bedecked poop out of his litterbox for weeks to come. Did I ever tell you about how my cat almost died? He got something stuck in his duodenum, which backed up his poop (I know, it's not pretty. Well, I'm not a pretty guy, now am I?), until he was just about swimming in cat excrement. Do you know what it was causing the blockage?

A nerf dart.

A goddamned $575.00 nerf dart. That's what. And you'd think he'd have learned his lesson. You'd think he would have LISTENED to me when I ranted and raved at him after I got the doctor bills, but NO. No he didn't. He still happily munches on those styrofoam peanuts, whenever a new box of CRAP from Amazon arrives. You'd think he was a little ground level 747, the way he zooms out as soon as just ONE styrofoam peanut falls, and gobbles it up. LUCKILY he's able to squeeze those out just fine. OH, it's not like you haven't heard me talking about feline digestive habits before.

And did you know that medical bills for cats aren't covered by most family health plans? I tried, I called him my son. I mean, Felix "Boom-boom" Palmer could be a persons name, right? I mean, it sounds like a boxer, for chrissakes. But they didn't believe me. So, here I was out $575.00 to have a stinking NERF DART removed from my cats duodenu-whatever-you-call-it. There was no crack for THAT christmas, let me tell you...

But I digress again.

So, it's only a couple of weeks until christmas (I never can make up my mind whether to capitalize that or not. I mean, I believe that Christ existed, but that he just wasn't all that important. Yes, I know, son of God, water into wine, all that stuff, but do you know how cheap wine was back then? I mean, you could buy a crock of good Palestinian stuff, for like three drachma. THREE DRACHMA! That makes that particular miracle worth about, oh $7.50. I spend more than that on a CAR WASH, and nobodys calling me "Eric, Our Saviour of Jiffy-Wash." Nobody except that guy at the Seven Eleven. I hate that guy).

But I digress.

So, AGAIN, it's only a couple of weeks until Christmas (there, I capitalized it. You happy?), and of course, I haven't bought anything for anyone yet. And what's all this about buying? I mean, Jesus comes back, and says "Yea, verily, I have seen the Kohls 6 hour sale in my name, and am well pleased???" It's not like he REALLY cares about those $47.00 Nikes, anyway. I mean REALLY. Dockers, maybe.

But I digress again. I seem to be doing that a lot.

So... what have I covered? Christmas presents made out of toxic waste, the Lawrence Welk show, nerf darts, cat poop covered in tinsel, and Jesus wearing Dockers. Yep, I guess that about covers it.

Oh wait, I forgot about Starbucks Eggnog Latte.