A Test

The weekend cometh and marks the start of the October sesshin. It's time to devote myself to the practice, and let go of all these attachments here in samsara.

Despite unusually heavy traffic, I still managed to get to the zendo just as the services were starting. My friend Arthur was running the sesshin this month, and I was looking forward to sitting. I felt very warm and secure in the comfort of the sangha.

We sat for two 45-minute sessions, with the usual sutra chanting and recitation of the four vows. As I left, I felt very free and unattached. In fact, the night was warm and lovely, and I lingered in the parking lot for a moment to talk to G., one of the other disciples.

"How was your week?," I asked cheerfully.

G. wasn't expecting a conversation, and so, after a perfunctory "Good," I could see he was struggling for something to add. "I had lunch with L. this week." he finally blurted out. "You know, our office buildings are right next to each other."

I went from nirvana to samsara like an arrow shot straight into hell. All of my attachments immediately returned. L. had told me a few weeks ago that she had run into G. at Starbucks one day and had learned that their office buildings were adjacent to one another, and that he had mentioned having lunch. Now don't get the wrong impression here - it's not my suspicion that they were having an affair, but I felt very vulnerable that L. hadn't told me that they finally did have the lunch that week. She had sent me an email Thursday night, just forwarding a chain letter urging the reader to log onto listed opinion polls immediately after the Kerry-Bush debate, but she hadn't mentioned lunch with G.

I had replied to her Thursday night email earlier today asking if she was going to be at the sesshin. "Just wondering . . .," I wrote, but I had heard nothing in response.

So I just nodded knowingly at G. as if it were common knowledge that they had lunch, and I wondered what she had told him about us, about her, about me. I wondered where she was. I wondered why we were apart. I was afraid that G. would ask me something about her whereabouts tonight, and I would have to admit that I didn't know.

When I got home, I immediately logged on to my email to see if she had responded , but nothing from L.

So the attachments are still there. Looks like I'll have to do some more sitting.