Fifth Day of the World Course, 37th of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Electra): Tropical Depression Nine is now Tropical Storm Isaias. It's forecast to become a hurricane by tomorrow morning and make landfall on the coast the day after. A life-threatening storm surge may accompany landfall along with damaging winds. Isaias will bring heavy rainfall to much of the southeast U.S. over the weekend, along with flash floods, urban floods, and isolated river flooding. 

It's forecast trajectory has it going straight into the heat of Alabama this weekend, which is ironic because the much anticipated Georgia-Alabama college football game is scheduled for Saturday in Tuscaloosa. It's also appropriate, because the Stable Genius had threatened to attend the game, and as we all know, everything he touches turns to shit, including the probability of this game occurring as planned. Despite the distraction, as a Georgia Bulldogs fan I was actually glad he would be attending, as hos presence at sporting events has generally jinxed the home team. But this one might get rained out, if not altogether washed away.

It's "ironic" that Isaias is coincident with the football game, and "appropriate" that the Stable Genius plans to attend given his propensity for disaster. A friend of mine once hypothesized that in literary criticism, everything is either appropriate or else ironic. If something's obvious in a book, no matter how banal or heavy-handed, critics say it's "appropriate." On the other hand, no matter how unlikely, unrealistic, or far-fetched something is, it's never "inappropriate" or even "fucking stupid," it's always "ironic." As in, "It's appropriate that the villain died from the gunshot wound, but it's ironic that the bullet then ricocheted off the metal valve implanted in his heart and hit the hero right between the eyes." 

"Get in the habit of using those two words," he advised me, "and you're guaranteed a job as a book or movie reviewer."

Anyway, best wishes and safe-keeping to the good people along the Gulf Coast. Be careful out there. 

Good news! I got my cardiology appointment moved up from November 4 (Fourth Day of Hagwinter) to October 22 (52nd Day of Autumn). Last week, my personal-care physician, alarmed at my test results, insisted that I see the cardiologist "within two weeks," so I was disappointed that the earliest I could get an appointment was five weeks out. The new date is three weeks (two weeks from today), which makes me feel better, at least psychologically, than waiting five. It's "ironic" that I had been initially scheduled for five weeks away, but it's "appropriate" to now wait only three.

 

Fourth Day of the World Course, 36th of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Deneb): The sun came out today, the first time in, I don't know, four or five days. That trough of low pressure in the Gulf is now Tropical Depression Nine and is expected to develop into a hurricane, the first of the season, in the next two or three days. It's forecast to eventually turn north toward the Gulf Coast, although its precise route and timing cannot yet be predicted. However, the storm's strength will likely peak before making landfall, although it is still expected to be a dangerous hurricane when it does eventually hit the coast. 

We were this close to making it through a season without a single Atlantic Hurricane, much less landfall, and then T.S. Nine comes along and spoils everything.

As I noted yesterday, impermanence, suffering, and non-self are the three marks of existence according to the Buddha, although I maintain that the three distinguishing aspects of reality, of things as they are, are impermanence, emptiness and interdependence. All things are impermanent, that is, nothing lasts forever and all things eventually pass. All things are impermanent because they are also interdependent upon all other things in the universe - every atom in your body was forged in the fusion reactor that is a star; your memories, personality, and preferences were all influenced to some degree or another by other people and things; and you're the beneficiary of the languages, ideas, philosophies, religions, and inventions of countless people before you. And because all things are interdependent, they are empty of individual existence. And because all things are empty of individual existence and reliant upon external and ever changing conditions, they are impermanent, and the logic cycles around and around, again and again.

All of that is pretty fucking philosophical and abstract and is part of the reason that although I don't disagree with a word of it, I no longer consider myself a Buddhist. I consider myself a contemplative stoic. Contemplative stoicism basically takes the fundamental teachings of the Stoics but filters them though a Buddhist understanding, omitting the bullshit parts about Logos, and uses meditation practice to directly experience and realize those teachings. 

Just like any tool, a philosophy or a religious practice is worthless unless it can do something useful. Their value is precisely the usefulness of what that can do. Faced as I am with the irrefutable evidence - my ischemic heart - of my own mortality, I could fall into despair and hopelessness. But I always knew that I was going to eventually die, and every passing year it was becoming more and more obvious. 

I have to admit that the symptomatic angina has been, at least so far, extremely mild, so I'm not "suffering" the pain of heart disease. Any suffering that I do experience at this stage is simply my own mind protesting against the inevitability of my eventual demise, my not accepting that impermanence applies to myself just as much as it applied to Dolly Parton. 

As solace, a Buddhist will point to that circular logic above (impermanence > interdependence > emptiness) and maintain that impermanence is one of the Buddha's three marks of existence. Where Buddhism and stoicism align are the first three of the four noble truths: the existence of suffering, that suffering is caused by craving and clinging, that if we let go of craving and clinging, the suffering ceases or at least abates.

In short, I have to accept I'm not going to live forever (I'm not Bryan Johnson). But while I am alive, I can control a large amount of the suffering I experience. I don't have to layer psychological states of outrage and anger and regret and nonacceptance on top of what ever physical pain and discomfort eventually comes my way. 

All the world's a stage, and the script for my role in the great play is approaching the line reading "Exit Shokai, stage right." I can choose to walk of that stage with a smile on my face - or at least a dignified air of acceptance - happy that I at least got a chance to grace that great stage, or I can choose to leave screaming and crying and protesting that it's all somehow the stage's fault. 

The first option sounds preferrable to me. 

 

Third Day of the World Course, 35th of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Castor): It's a moody, overcast day here in Georgia today, cool, but a clammy kind of cool with heavily overcast skies. We got 0.65 inches of rain yesterday, and it felt like it all fell within one hour in the early afternoon, and while it's not raining now, it looked and felt like rain all day.

Meanwhile, somewhere over the southwestern Gulf of Mexico, a trough of low pressure is expected to develop into a tropical depression by the middle of this week. The system is drifting eastward and is expected to eventually turn north toward the Gulf Coast.

The three marks of existence in classic Buddhism are impermanence (anicca), suffering (dukkha), and non-self (anattā). Impermanence is swift, as I've been saying, and it's also pervasive. My sister in Massachusetts, who had surgery for oral cancer around this time last year and then spent months in chemo-, immuno-, and radiation therapy, had an appointment with her oncologist today. The cancer's back, despite the surgery and all the torturous treatment, and is manifesting itself through a swollen face and tongue and debilitating headaches. A PET scan last month revealed "hot spots," but the doctors still can't pinpoint the exact sites, or determine whether or not they're malignant. Bottom line: they can't determine a treatment without a better understanding of exactly where and what it all is. 

Meanwhile, she can't swallow and therefore can't eat, and is still on a feeding tube directly to her stomach that was inserted following her surgery last November. She's taking Oxycontin to help manage the pain and suffering. A brutal lesson in dukkha.

My ischemic heart has me reflecting on my own impermanence but I'm not getting clobbered by suffering the way that she is. I can't even describe my angina as "pain" - it's more of a sensation that frankly doesn't even rise to the level of discomfort. 

However bad I may have things, she's suffering a thousand times more, putting my complaints into perspective. And that's a powerful lesson.

 

Second Day of the World Course, 34th of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Betelgeuse): I finally broke the news about my heart condition to my daughter, the first person I revealed my situation to except of course you, dear reader. You, and the entire internet. My Google stats say my recent posts have averaged 3,000 views each, but I think the vast majority of those are bots and scammers scrapping the web looking for vulnerabilities (e.g., passwords or financial data) and not actual readers. 

My daughter, of course, was sympathetic and supportive, but what can she do? I felt better, though, for unburdening myself to her and sharing the load of my awareness of impermanence. 

Today was finally my first fully medicated day. Crestor at night and a beta-blocker and aspirin in the morning for my heart, losartan for my blood pressure, Cialis for my grapefruit-sized prostate, and a B-12 supplement for my vitamin deficiency. What happens after the collapse and the end of free trade and the supply chain? Do I just curl up somewhere and die, or do I take to the ramparts and battle the ICE troopers and MAGA mobs unmedicated until my heart explodes? If I think about it, I'd probably make a great candidate for a suicide-bomber mission in that situation, since I'm not going to live long after the collapse of the supply chain anyway.

I'm still some 30 days or so from my first cardiologist appointment. The day after election day. I've been instructed to not take my alternating- day walks, which throws me off my intervening-day sitting schedule and leaves my time open and uncomfortably formless. 

So far this weekend, I've passed my time watching sports (football and hockey), television (the Firefly series), and video games (Ghost Recon Wildlands), but daytime sports will be over after the weekend, at least until next weekend, and the other activities aren't a sustainable way to spend the entirety of one's days. I've been reading (Song of Solomon, The Left Hand of Darkness, and most recently World's End by T. Coraghessan Boyle) and that helps.

Impermanence may be swift, but it can also be incredibly banal and boring.

 

Day of the World Course, 33rd of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Aldebaran): Each of the six seasons in the New Revised Universal Calendar has a five-day stretch of sequentially named days, e.g., "Day of the x," "Second Day of the x," and so on to the Fifth Day. Autumn has the five Days of the World Course, and today is the first.

I finally scored my drugs, the pharmaceuticals my doctor prescribed for my breaking heart. The pharmacy texted me around 6:30 last night, an hour or so after the previous post here, that they were had finally arrived. To be fair, the script wasn't placed until mid Thursday morning, and although the pharmacy was out of stock when the order arrived, they had them to me by early Friday evening.

For years, I prided myself on not being on any prescription drugs, which from talking to friends and family is highly unusual for an American of my age. But now my medicine cabinet is crowded with four different prescriptions, plus daily over-the-counter aspirin and a B-12 supplement my doctor advised before the issues with my heart came up. I have to gobble down four pills in the morning plus an eyedropper full of the B-12, which almost constitutes a breakfast in and of itself. I have to take the sixth med, Crestor, in the evening, so I keep it right next to my toothbrush to remind me to take my final med as I brush my teeth at night. My mnemonic mantra is "Crest and Crestor."

Funny thing about the aspirin - I didn't have to wait until my medicines arrived at the pharmacy to start with a daily aspirin, as I've long had a handy bottle at home for those unexpected headaches and other aches and pains, But I got to wondering just exactly how long it was that I had that handy bottle and checked the expiration date. Sure enough, the date had expired . . . in 2013. Thirteen-year-old aspirin, which had surely decomposed to acetic and salicylic acid by now.

That's part of the problem with getting old. In addition to failing organs and forgetfulness, which is just another symptom of another organ failing, time rushes by faster and faster until you lose all track of it. Then, before you know it, the aspirin that you suspect might be "kind of old" turns out to have expired during the first year of Obama's second term.

Impermanence is swift.

 

Release from Dawn, 32nd Day of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Helios): The pharmacy still hasn't managed to cop my drugs, and the cardiologist still hasn't found any breathing room in his busy schedule to see me this month. It's Friday afternoon, and I don't expect either situation to change until after the weekend.

Life-and-death is the great matter, Dogen always emphasized. Impermanence is swift. "This evening or tomorrow morning you may become sick or die," he wrote (Shobogenzo Zuimonki, 2-25). "Still you have no idea how your death may come or what kind of sickness you may contract. It is utterly foolish to pass the time you are alive meaninglessly lying down or sleeping."

"I respectfully urge you who study the mystery to not pass your days and nights in vain." - Shítóu Xīqiān (700–790)

I'm not afraid of dying and I don't believe in an afterlife. I won't know it when I'm gone, it will be just like before I was born. On the other hand, I'm terrified at the prospect of living a diminished life, in and out of 'hospital ORs and unable to feed and care for myself. I'd rather not be, than be that way.

But I'm not suicidal either and I enjoy, even cherish, these moments of life on Earth. I still have books left to read and movies to watch. There's music I still haven't listened to, and they're making new stuff all the time. I like hearing birds sing, especially owls, and there are lots of them in my neighborhood, whole parliaments. And as for this whole crazy, world situation, I really want to see what happens next, at least the first few pages of the next chapter of history.

I'll keep posting as long as I can, even if there's no one reading. Especially if there's no one reading.

 

Day of the Rusted Machines, 31st of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Electra): Now it appears that for what's left of my impermanent life, I'm going to be complaining here about the labyrinthine bureaucracy and lack of human compassion in the industrial-medicinal complex. At least I won't be whining about the weather or the Stable Genius, or at least not as much.

Let's start with the presentation of yesterday's test results. I got the word that I have myocardial ischemia, not from a face-to-face consultation or even a telephone call, but from a pdf found inside of my provider's app. It took me a while to even understand it and for the impact to slowly sink in, and then I noticed the test result's description of the patient (me): 6' 6" and 241 pounds. For the record, I'm far from either (more like 5' 11" and 175 pounds). 

What's more, the pdf said I had a history of atypical angina, diabetes, hyperlipidemia (whatever that is), congestive heart failure, and cardiomyopathy. None of that is true. It also said that I'd had a previous treadmill test and a cardiac catheterization, which also wasn't true. I think I would have remembered. 

There was no information on who to contact if I had any questions, so yesterday afternoon I emailed my primary care physician. He called me and agreed that the incorrect information was "odd," and that he'd reach out to the cardiologist to see if he could get to the bottom of things. But for the better part of some 16 hours, I was hanging on to an absurd and desperate hope that maybe the results I received were for some other patient (even though the report had my name, date of birth, and address at the top). Maybe I was fine after all, maybe it was all just some big mix-up.

No. There was a mix-up all right - everyone agreed that I wasn't 6" 6" and 241 pounds - but my PCP called today and said the cardiologist was sure that he reviewed the correct chart for my test. The nurse or some tech must have entered the wrong patient info and history into the report. Shit happens, and who has time to check things, anyway? Amirite? 

      

My doctor referred me to a interventional cardiologist, and said that if I can't get an appointment within the next two weeks to contact him to see what he could do to twist arms. I called the cardiologist, and the scheduler/receptionist said the earliest I could get an appointment was sometime in November. That's more than two weeks out and as it still hadn't sunk in to me yet that today was the first of October, November seemed all the more far away. 

As directed, I texted my doctor and said I couldn't get an appointment within the two-week window he prescribed. Later, the cardiologist's office emailed me saying that they got the referral from my PCP, but when I called they were still booked through November. I tried to convey the urgency my doctor was expressing to me, but to a scheduler/receptionist, time is but an appointment book and she had nothing until November. Nothing she can do about it . . . 

My doctor also prescribed me some meds to hold me over so that I don't have a heart attack between now and my eventual appointment. So of course, my pharmacy texted me and said they were out of stock on both meds, but they've placed a backorder and will let me know when they eventually come in. Meanwhile, I'm popping aspirins as a last-resort blood thinner.

So, if short, I'm supposed to see a cardiologist within two weeks and take a bunch of pharmaceuticals in the meantime to keep from popping my cork, but the best I can do is wait six weeks for the "next available appointment" and also wait until my pharmacy can score the drugs I'm supposed to be taking while I wait for my appointment. 

The doctor also advised me not to do anything strenuous until we get this all worked out, and specifically said to stop with my alternating-day walks. So no more six-mile Quincys or nine-mile Harrisons, at least for now. Maybe forever.

What a drag it is getting old.

 

Stone of the Dawn, 30th Day of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Deneb): Impermanence is swift.

That's what I always say when learning that someone has died. More than just a glib, offhand remark, like Kurt Vonnegut's "So it goes," it's a sincere acknowledgement of the ephemeral nature of existence. It's also a reminder to myself that death isn't just something that happens to other people. 

Our life changes moment by moment, it flows by swiftly day to day. Everything is impermanent and changing rapidly. Even old Zen Master Dogen acknowledged we "do not need to wait for the teaching of masters or sutras to see it. In every moment, do not expect tomorrow will come. Think only of this day and this moment." Elsewhere, he said,

"It is not a matter of fabricating in our heads that which does not really exist. Impermanence is truly the reality right in front of our eyes. We need not wait for some teaching from others, some proof from some passage of scripture, or some principle. Born in the morning and dead in the evening, a person we saw yesterday is no longer here today - these are the facts we see with our eyes and hear with our ears. This is what we see and hear about others. Applying this to our own bodies and thinking of the reality of all things, although we expect to live for seventy or eighty years, we die when we must die (Shobogenzo-zuimonki, 2-14).

Impermanence has been teaching me a some sort of master's class over the past 24 months. Following the death of one of my two pet cats, my little brother died. To be sure, he wasn't "little" any more; he was 60, but that is still too young and at some level he has always been my baby brother. My father died 18 or so years ago, but last winter my elderly mother finally passed away, not at all unexpectedly and at the age of 92. Then my other cat died. Then my younger sister told me that she had cancer. She went through surgery and chemo, radiation, and immuno-therapy and it seemed like she it "beat," but it recently has returned, with swelling and brutal headaches. I'm not giving any prognoses, but impermanence is swift.

Today I learned impermanence is now coming for me as well. I finally saw a doctor about that pain in my chest I was feeling last August, and the test results came back today. Myocardial ischemia, insufficient blood flow and oxygen getting to the upper chamber of my heart. Not a terminal prognosis in itself, but the first of the mileposts on the road to impermanence. The next milestones are medications, beta blockers, blood thinners, and other pharmaceuticals to tide me over until a cardiologist can perform cardiac catheterization or other examinations (the third milestone). The fourth milestone may be angioplasty, stenting, or even bypass surgery, and the fifth and final milestone is death.

Impermanence is swift.

 

The Clear Streams, 29th Day of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Castor): As if we don't already have enough to worry about on top of the erosion of our democracy and the decline of the amerikan economy, diarrhea lettuce, collapse of the AMOC, masked goons with electric gloves, rogue AI agents, and Cornell University frat boys, now scientists are raising concerns about an ocean phenomenon known as the Kelvin wave. As the Super El Niño supercharges storm surges and flooding in the coming months, a  Kelvin wave could raise sea levels along the California coastline by up to a foot 

Unlike crashing waves at the beach, Kelvin waves are planetary in scale and span thousands of miles. A Kelvin wave is created when trade winds that usually blow from South America towards Asia die down or reverse in El Niño years, setting off a massive, slow-moving slosh of water. When that eastward slosh of water hits the high Andes along the South America coastline, as one such wave did last August, it has nowhere else to go and the water surges north towards the Pacific coast of the United Snakes. 

The wave could reach coastal California within the next few days and when it does, sea levels may raise by up to a foot for months as El Niño lingers and keeps the warm water trapped along the coast.

"The major cities of the world are being destroyed, one-by-one, by the monsters: Moscow by Rodan, Peking by Mothra, London by Manda, Paris by Baragon. And here's a special news bulletin: Kelvin is now in L.A. The city is being invaded by Kelvin!" - Destroy All Monsters, 1968 (adapted)

 

The Oblong Web, 28th Day of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Betelgeuse): Now the Stable Genius has rolled out his plans to reduce fuel-efficiency standards for automobiles, reversing a Biden-era rule to encourage electric vehicles. Specifically, by 2031, cars will need to meet an average fuel efficiency of only 34.8 mpg, down from the previous goal of 50.4 mpg.

Not only will this result in more air pollution and the associated increase in illnesses and death, but also result in more greenhouse gas emissions. Consumers will pay more at the pump than they'll save from a lower cost to the manufacturers, and the United States will fall further behind China in EV technology and market share. 

The megalomaniacal narcissist insists on taking our country to some imagined alternate reality based on his 1970s-based misconceptions of how things actually work. He has insulated himself from reality with sycophants and yes-men, and there's no one left to show him how his dumb-ass ideas are not only bat-shit crazy but also fucking stupid.

He's not going to live that much longer - we're literally watching him die as his body rots from the inside our right before our very eyes - but there's no telling how much damage he can still do before aome combination of coronary disease, poor nutrition, and dementia finally do him in.

The Stable Genius is a malignant polyp on the undescended testicle of the American body politic.              

 

The Breathing Hills, 27th Day of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Aldebaran): All music, without exception, is a direct expression of the buddha-dharma.

The buddha-dharma, it is said, extends everywhere and there is nowhere in the ten directions that it does not pervade. 

If music is the buddha-dharma, and the buddha-dharma is omnipresent, then it stands to reason that music fills the entire cosmos. All sounds, therefore, are music if you listen closely enough.

Today was a sitting day. I can best hear all things as music when I'm sitting in zazen. The sounds of this old house, the a.c. or heat, depending on the season, cycling on and off, the distant buzzing of leaf-blowers in someone's lawn can all be parts of the music. Today, it was children laughing with the sheer joy of being alive as they were playing outdoors in the cool, crepuscular autumn hours, a distant siren somewhere out on the highway reminding me of the fragile impermanence of existence, a low-flying plane passing overhead. Sounds arising and falling like some sort of conceptual ambient soundtrack. The evening's crescendo occurred when a barred owl chimed in, "Who cooks for you?," repeated about eight or ten times, and just as I was starting to count my breaths between the hoots to get a sense of its timing, it stopped and the bell sounded on my timer, signaling that sitting time was over.

It's easiest to hear reality as music while sitting, but with a little effort, one can hear the everyday sounds of the world as music. A radio broadcast of a baseball game has a certain rhythm and tonal range, quite different and unique from a football broadcast or a televised golf game. Those are all their own genres of music. Televised news and the 24-hour CNN/MS NOW coverage are other genres of music, but with their deliberately disruptive and annoying commercials competing for your attention, it's a genre that I don't particularly care for. The sounds of the supermarket are a form of music; I hear a music while driving in my car even with the radio off; laying in bed at night reading, hearing those delicious words in my mind, is music. If there's something you don't hear as music, just stop and examine it for a minute, identify what's different and unique about its sound, and if you're in a receptive frame of mind, it can become music.

Pro tip: if you don't hear it as music, it's probably a you issue, not the thing you're hearing.

Anyway, I've been informed that at 6:17 pm today, some little girl somewhere in the low-laying coastal state of Delaware received her Barbie doll set. Payment was billed to a credit card that's not my account. To be sure, I don't know that it was a little girl that received the set and not some 45-year-old man still living in his mother's basement who likes to collect dolls for some reason, but I prefer to imagine a happy little girl rather than some pervy dude. To my ears, her squeals of joy would make the better music.

Now that the shipment's complete, I can try and remove my email address from that random Walmart account.

 

Day of Discovering Neverness, 26th of Autumn, 526 M.E. (Helios):  I had to pull on a blanket last night, and slept with more than a sheet over my body for the first time since last Spring.

I once heard a joke - more of a humorous story, really - about a married couple heading overseas for a long-planned vacation. But just before they left, the wife's business suddenly required her to delay her departure by a couple of days. She told her husband to go on without her, no need for both of them to miss vacation time, and that she'd catch up to him at the resort in a couple of days. "Be sure to email me and tell me how you like the lodgings," she said.

The husband arrived and found the accommodations delightful. After a day, he dutifully sent his wife an email, but klutz that he was, he mistyped but a single letter in the email address and inadvertently sent the email to the wrong recipient. 

By sheer coincidence, the email went to another woman, who by chance had just lost her husband to an untimely death. So she was understandably quite surprised to receive an email that began, "My dear wife, greetings from the other side. After a long and arduous voyage, I have finally arrived here on the other side." 

"The accommodations here are fine," the email went on, "and I'm surprised to find that they have wifi here. It's also quite a bit hotter here than I was expecting. Still, everyone here is quite helpful, and they tell me that I can expect your arrival here in a day or two. Love," it ended, "your husband." Later, the medics found her in a state of shock, her hand still clutching the phone.

I think I received one of those misaddressed emails today. I get no shortage of scam emails, warnings that subscriptions I don't have are about to expire, that my Amazon driver needs an address for a package I didn't order, that my Netflix account will be cancelled unless I immediately update my credit card info. Scams all, and most of the times quite obviously bogus (typos, Cyrillic letters, etc.). 

But this morning I got an email that really and truly seemed to genuinely be from Walmart saying my new account was ready to use (I don't have a Walmart account or shop at Walmart for that matter). No typos, no weird grammar, no demands that I contact anyone immediately with some information or another. Nothing was required of me at all. Then I got another email thanking "me" for an order, a Barbie doll set ($45) which was being shipped to an address somewhere in Delaware. Fortunately, the last four digits of the credit card for the order didn't match any cards I carry. The Barbie doll is scheduled to arrive tomorrow.

I checked my credit cards and bank account, and there was no fraudulent activity or suspicious transactions. I believe that someone, apparently in Delaware, set up a Walmart account to buy some Barbie merch, and mistyped but a single letter in the email address, and the details of their order are going to me. Which means that someone, apparently in Delaware, is unaware that their order has been received and shipped, and is arriving tomorrow.

I'll try to cancel the account or at least unlink my email after the order is delivered. I wouldn't want some little girl in Delaware not to get her Barbie doll because of my paranoia.