Now I Make the Moves

 

I had an epiphany, a sudden flash of insight. It occurred at 6:22 am this morning.

The realization was that I'm becoming, if I haven't already become, a disagreeable person.

Recently my thoughts are often drifting back to previous episodes in my life, from earlier this summer all the way back to the early 1970s, about people who I feel somehow wronged me or situations that I felt were unfair. I find myself reliving long-ago conversations, reconstructing old arguments, and imagining the devastating comebacks and putdowns I could have - should have - said.

Sitting in zazen, trying to quiet the mind, and realizing I've been in some revenge fantasy over something that happened in, like, 2003. Taking my hiking walk or walking hike or what have you and discovering that for the past half-mile, I haven't noticed much of anything around me, so involved was I in some imaginary conversation with some perceived enemy (and wondering if I had been talking out loud). Looking at my comments and posts on social media, and noticing that I've been picking fights left and right, and then getting angry when someone takes the bait and responds to some provocation I posted.

Last night, I had a dream that I was back in corporate world again and was told that someone was bad-mouthing me over the phone on a conference call. I barged into the room, and later confronted the person, an attorney, in person, in their office. I don't remember now what I said in my dream, something along the lines of "If you've got something to say to me, say it to my face," although I don't think I was channeling Kamala Harris in my dreams. Later in the same dream, I was having a similar conversation with one of the women in the accounting department. I awoke and realized that these persecution and revenge fantasies had become so ingrained they were even manifesting in my subconscious. I rolled over and looked at the alarm clock.

6:22 a.m.

I want to manifest loving kindness. I want to be cognizant of all the blessings and goodness I've received in life (I have much for which to be grateful). I want to feel intimately interconnected to the many sentient things all around me, but this virus in my mind keeps goading me into attacking anything and anyone it perceives as a threat to my ego. I've got my work cut out for me.