Late-Night Mind

Be me.   For no apparent reason, wake up at 4:30 a.m. for the second night in a row.  Roll over to go back to sleep, but the mind won't let me go and keeps me up worrying about random things.

It's really time to get a new roof, my mind reminds me at an hour of the day where there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.  It knows a new roof's expensive, but it reminds me that I've been putting it off for years now with the excuse that I needed to take down the big tree overhanging the house first.  But now that the tree's finally gone, I have no more excuses, and I've lately noticed some new water stains on the dining room ceiling near one of the leaks that I had patched up while waiting to take down the tree. And the gutters are almost useless and rainwater virtually pours off the roof in sheets now, and the other day it leaked in underneath the kitchen door.  Yup, time for a new roof.  And new gutters.

Plus, I need a new dishwasher.  I've been washing dishes by hand for over three years now since my old dishwasher died.  And even though my washing machine and dryer still work, they keep tearing holes in all my clothes and need to be replaced too.  More expenses.

And my car's nearing the 100,000-mile mark.  How long can it keep running before it starts constantly needing repairs?  Should I go buy a new one now, or wait until I've spent some small fortune on replacement parts and maintenance?  Or see it getting hauled off to the junkyard on the back of a tow truck?    

Not to forget that I also need new glasses.  Haven't been to the optometrist in ages, and I can tell that the old glasses I'm still wearing are no longer right for my current vision.  I'm constantly taking them on and off.  But who's got time for the optometrist?  

Not to mention the dentist.  I have a lot of dental issues - a few chipped teeth and a cap that's fallen off, not to mention I haven't had a good cleaning in years.  It's been so long since I've been to the dentist that ironically I'm now ashamed to go because my teeth are in such bad shape that they'll think I must be a meth-head.

Similarly, I've been putting off going to the doctors, knowing that they'll just tell me my blood pressure's too high, my cholesterol's too high, I weigh too much,  they're not happy with my PSA, and have I seen a specialist yet about that mole on my back?  And whatever else they can dream up. I feel fine and think I'm healthy, but I know no one's going to live forever and everyone's body eventually declines.  But I fear that loading myself up on medications and prescriptions will only hasten my demise, not delay it.  But still, I really should get a check-up sooner rather than later.

So that's what my mind tells me at 4:30 a.m., and try going back to sleep after all that.  And while tossing and turning and trying to tune out all those anxiety-ridden thoughts, my mind reminds me that lack of sleep is as deadly as cigarettes, and can lead to early-age dementia and stroke.  Terrific.      

I wake the next morning tired and groggy, barely able to make it through the work day and too exhausted to take care of any of the concerns brought up by my late-night mind.   My only hope is that by nightfall, I'm so exhausted by the time I hit the bed that I can sleep through the entire night without the late-night mind waking me up with it's random anxieties.