I Get Mail . . .

Dear Shokai,

Karma's a bitch and it makes me wonder sometimes, "What was it I did that was so bad?" Like for instance, I go to start my truck last Sunday to go down to the zendo and nothing--not a sound. The truck is dead. I was disappointed to say the least. Oh well, without a job, ergo no money, and no mechanical expertise, I am here until the truck miraclulously cures itself.

Plenty of time alone now to sit, breathe, let go.

I usually practice zazen for 30 minutes two or three times a day. Well, after my afternoon sitting today, I decided to go for a walking meditation down the road. Guess what? Karma decides to bite me in the ass, literally. I get attacked from behind by a dog. On its second attack, I was lucky to grab its collar, but it came off as if it wasn't fastened. So now I'm fighting the dog off with its own collar until the owner can come out and subdue the beast. Finally, she has him under control, or so I think, and I start back on my walk, rubbing the back of my upper leg and asking the woman why would she make her dog so vicious? I get about 30 feet away and she turns him loose again. He attacks and pulls me to the ground. She gets him before he does any serious damage, but he has my lower leg in his mouth this time. All I can think of to scream at this woman-thing is, "If he attacks me again, I'm calling the police!"

Lame, I know. Well, I hate violence, but knowing that I had to go back past that house again on the return trip, I made sure I had some form of self-defense in the shape of a large wooden club and the will to utilize it, if needed. I feel the woman is the sentient being who needs to be beaten to a bloody pulp. It's HER fear that attacked me.

Anyway, here I sit now, the back of my upper leg bleeding, swollen, sore, and turning purple. My blue-jeans torn. My peaceful calm shaken, but returning, slowly--although my stomach is twisted tightly in knots from the anger I felt from being surprised and attacked for no reason. I cannot let this keep me from walking, but damn-it, now I have to be armed?

So, why tell you? Don't know. I don't have anyone else to tell. And, I'm trying to figure out what Karma is trying to teach me. I guess, "Don't go out unarmed! Other people's fears can kill you!" But then, doesn't that create fear in my heart? Thus causing me to feel the need to protect myself from another imagined attack, just like this woman is doing by having a vicious dog to protect her from some imagined intruder-attacker? Where does it end?

I don't know, after a good gentle ass rubbing and a few tears, I'm left alone to wonder.

Peace.