Something's Wrong

There's a Sanskrit word, dukkha, that is usually translated as "suffering" but in fact has a broader meaning. I understand that the "-ha" is Sanskrit for "wheel" and that dukkha describes a wheel out of kilter, a wheel off center. In India, dukkha was used to refer to an out-of-kilter potter's wheel and the Chinese adopted it to describe an off-center wagon wheel. In any event, dukkha describes a situation where things aren't quite right, which includes suffering, but also includes general anxiety, a feeling that something's wrong. I once heard a too-clever definition of dukkha as "ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump."

I had a very literal and direct experience of dukkha this morning. Driving to work, the job that I quit last week but keep going to anyway in order to wrap up seemingly endless loose ends, I heard a strange flapping sound as soon as I got on the highway. "Flap, flap, flap." The faster I drove, the faster the sound went. "Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap."

I pulled over and saw that a big slice of rubber had peeled away from the rest of my front right tire. The wheel rim was also scraped. I apparently had hit a curb, or someone ran something into my tire. Whatever. As I was driving in the direction of the car dealer anyway, and since I was now free to not have to be at work, I pulled in to have the dealer look at it. I figured I needed a new tire, and probably a new rim as well. Plus an adjustment to the alignment and whatever else they could dream up. At a Lexus dealership, I was probably looking at $400 to $600.

Oh boy. More expenses - just what the voluntarily unemployed want. And this while I'm in the middle of The Tests - the property taxes due on December 1st and 15th.

The dealer took me in without an appointment as I tried to relax in the customer's lounge, worrying about the cost. An hour later, they told me the good news - I didn't need a tire or rim after all. The flap was part of some extra rubber they put on the side of the tire for just this sort of incident, so they simply cut it off and buffed the rim a little bit. All I needed was a routine alignment, and I got out of there for less than $100.

So the dukkha, the wheel off center, was not so much the one on my axle, but the one in my head, worrying about paying for imaginary expenses that turned out not to be real.

Dukkha, then, is not only our actual hardships and suffering, but the pain and anxiety that we put ourselves through imagining the worst. But I must admit it was nicer riding in the car without that flapping sound.