The Apostate

"If you gradually abandon your ego-attachment and follow the sayings of your teacher, you will progress. If you argue back, [pretending] to know the truth, but remain unable to give up certain things and continue to cling to your own preferences, you will sink lower and lower." - Dogen, from Zuimonki, Book 1, Chapter 4

All my previous posts about Great Faith and Great Doubt, and blind faith and insidious doubt, are all meaningless concepts (mere philosophy) if they're not practical and from my personal experience.

Well, I can offer a case study on insidious doubt. I received several emails over the past two months or so from a former dharma brother who has since left our sangha. The emails clearly chart the "progress" (or descent) from an intellectual doubt, to a loss of the unwavering faith in the heart of the Buddha's teaching, and finally to reinforcement of the ego as a way to sooth the discomfort created by doubt.

My former dharma brother, who I'll call The Apostate, reads this blog and has given me permission to use his emails and to edit them as necessary, provided only that I don't use his name. I hope in reading these words, he neither thinks that I am trying to bring him back into the practice nor criticizing him. I just think his emails are extremely revealing about what a loss in faith does to Zen practice, and hence the importance of Great Faith.

"Many people in the world say that although they listen to the words of the teacher, they do not accord with their own thinking. This attitude is a mistake. I don't understand how they could say such things. Do they say it because the principals in the sacred teachings do not agree with what they think, and believe the teachings to be wrong? If so, they are utterly foolish. Or is it that what the teacher said did not agree with their own preference? If so, why did they ask the teacher in the first place? Or do they say it on the basis of ordinary discriminating thoughts? If so, this is illusory thought from the beginningless beginning. The vital attitude in learning the Way is to give up and reform your egotistical views. Even if they go against your own preferences, if they are your teacher's words or statements from the sacred scriptures, you must follow them completely. This is the essential point you should be careful about in learning the Way.

"Formerly, one of my fellow practioners who visited various teachers was very attached to his own views. He refused to accept whatever went against his ideas, and held onto only what agreed with his own views. He spent his whole life in vain and never understood the Buddha-dharma.

"I realized from observing his attitude that learning the Way must be different from that. So I followed my teacher's words and attained the truth of the Way completely. Later, I found the following passage in a sutra I was reading, 'If you wish to learn the Buddha-dharma, do not hold onto the [conditioned] mind of the past, present and future.'

"I truly understand that we must gradually reform previous thoughts and views and not hold firmly to them. In one of the Classics it is said, 'Good advice sounds harsh to the ear.' This means that useful advice always offends our ears. Even though it may be contrary to our liking, if we force ourselves to follow and carry it out, there should be benefit in the long run." - Dogen, from Zuimonki, Book 5, Chapter 13

I received the first email on May 17. In this first message, The Apostate described an intellectual doubt:

"I left Zen because I could no longer reconcile myself to the supernatural that was assumed in Buddhism. I know what you would say. But please remember that Zen has traveled a very long way from its birthplace. In the modern world, Zen is secularized and repackaged as a religion for nonreligious people. Karma is taught to just be cause and effect. Rebirth is seen as a metaphor. The Buddha is seen as just a great teacher. This is not what used to be taught. At its start, Buddhism was seen as a way to free the mind (soul) from reincarnation. Karma was the force that determined how the mind (soul) would be reborn. By the way, when Siddhartha taught that there was no Soul, he was speaking with Socratic skill. To the Indians, the Mind was the Soul. The words mean the same thing. This modern way of talking around the issue gets tiresome. Siddhartha's many other talks about how the mind works are interesting as far as philosophy goes, but are useless to a modern reader. Our science of psychology and neuroscience give a degree of accuracy that Siddhartha would be amazed by. I find it disappointing when modern people forget all we have learned to retreat to the exotic allure of the past. I wish people could see the power of the modern scientific worldview and see our place in it. . .

"In closing, I would like to say that I still sit from time to time. The effects of meditation are well documented and good for mental health. However, the effects are independent of any belief system. Sitting has never led me to the dogma of Zen. In fact, as I sit my sense of self is STRONGER than when I'm not sitting. "

On May 18, he wrote again saying ". . .I have been deprogramming myself over the last 6 months, and I have a lot of things on my mind. . ."

On May 22, he wrote describing how the intellectual doubts led to a loss of Great Faith and ultimately to his efforts to "deprogram" himself:

"I had other things I was going to bring up. Is desire really the cause of suffering? What is the Ego? etc. . . I see now that I will just be discussing philosophy. These questions are subjective and pointless really.

"The real issue to talk about is the issue that drew me away from Zen. The mythology of Buddhism was never really a big deal. I could see it as useful metaphor. The real issue is simply that I have no faith that sitting on a cushion will bring me knowledge of 'Reality.' The human mind evolved to deal with problems found in the natural world. . . The problem science has always had was separating our instinctual assumptions from what the data tells us. We can not always trust our eyes and ears to sort out what is going on. The Brain has many ways of fooling us so it can continue to present a cohesive picture of reality. I would encourage you to read some of the popular books on brain malfunction that have been written lately. So I see it as a supernatural claim that meditation can somehow 'clear' the mind of delusion. The brain will always fool itself. That is how it works. Do you see the point I am making? When I say that I see benefits from sitting, I mean that in the most common way. Blood pressure and such.

"I no longer call myself Zen. I have gotten rid of everything Buddhist I used to own. Books, idols, etc. I even pulled a Hakuin on my rakusu. I have no intention of ever going back to the zendo. I failed to make this point clear before."

"Students today cling to their own discriminating minds. Their thinking is based on their own personal views that Buddha must be such and such; if it goes against their ideas, they say that Buddha cannot be that way. Having such an attitude and wandering here and there in delusion, searching after what conforms to their preconceptions, few of hem ever make any progress in the Buddha Way." - Dogen, from Zuimonki, Book 1, Chapter 13

From a practioners point of view, The Apostate experienced insidious doubt as intellectual questions, which led to a clinging to his own views, which, in turn, led to a reinforcement of the concept of the ego-self. The next stage is a search for confirming views that are in accord with the opinions of the ego-self.

The fruits of this search were sent to me in a June 7 email. He sent me a link to an on-line book about the misbehavior of some notable teachers. "It is a little heavy handed at times," he wrote, "but it makes many good points."

The on-line book is called "Stripping the Gurus: Sex, Violence, Abuse and Enlightenment" by Geoffrey Falk. According to Wikipedia, Geoffrey Falk is an author, critic, music composer, and electrical engineer. He is author of The Science of the Soul, which presents a holistic understanding of the cosmos. Following an abusive experience at the hands of the Yogananda Self-Realization Fellowship, Falk became a staunch critic of all gurus. He is also one of the major critics of Ken Wilber.

According to Stripping the Gurus, devotees have simply walked with naively open hearts and thirsty souls into inherent dynamics of power and obedience "to which each one of us is susceptible every day of our lives. . . Don't let it happen to you. Don't get suckered in. Be prepared. Be informed. Find out what reportedly goes on behind the scenes in even the best of our world's spiritual communities. You can start by reading this book."

It's basic premise seems to be that otherwise-sensible people give their devotion and unquestioning obedience, surrender their independence, willpower, and life's savings in the hope of realizing for themselves the same "enlightenment" as they ascribe to a "perfect, God-realized" master. The book then details alleged abuses of sex, power, money and violence by these "masters" in an apparent attempt to discredit the teacher, and thereby, the teaching.

For example:

"Ramakrishna was a homoerotic pedophile. His chief disciple, Vivekananda, visited brothels in India."

and:

"Krishnamurti carried on an affair for over twenty years with the wife of a good friend. Chogyam Trungpa drank himself into an early grave. One of Adi Da's nine 'wives' is a former Playboy centerfold. Bhagwan Rajneesh sniffed laughing gas to get high."

and:

"Maezumi [roshi/guru of the Zen Center in Los Angeles] had had a number of affairs with female students and had also entered a dry-out clinic for alcoholics. . . In 1975 and 1979, as well as later in 1982, the Zen Studies Society had been rocked by rumors of Eido Roshi's alleged sexual liaisons with female students.... Nor were the allegations limited to sexual misconduct. They spread to financial mismanagement and incorrect behavior."

And so on. Obviously, attacks and smears against teachers, many of which are unsubstantiated, will not shake the confidence of those with Great Faith, but will comfort those with insidious doubt who come to these allegations to reinforce their suspicions.

On June 29, The Apostate wrote how he has now completely embraced the ego-self:

"I have had a couple of experiences lately where I doubted myself. I have learned and now welcome the pain it caused. I find that even resorting to false ego is a better path than doubt. . . I say that this ego is better stronger, but we will continue to disagree on that. "

In fact, I will not disagree with him on how he sees the world, as it is, after all, the way he sees the world. I also deeply respect the fact that in all of his emails to me, he never criticized the fact that my way of viewing the world was different, or try to argue with me that my way was incorrect, or needed to be changed. I will pay him the same respect, as a former dharma brother, as a sentient being, and out of respect of his courge and generosity in allowing me to use his thoughts, his experience and his mind, to illustrate points that he may not agree with.

Gassho.