Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Greensmile said, "I am sorry to hear about L. I hope that with the loss comes a measure of freedom."

That's an interesting concept, and surprisingly, one that hadn't actually occurred to me. Although I had hardly felt constrained while I was with L. (we both gave each other lots of space), I was not free from my own desire. I was shackled by my attraction, both libidinal and intellectual. This made it all the more difficult during the numerous times we were on hiatus. For example, when I attempted to date others, my desire for L. kept getting in the way of even initiating a successful new relationship.

So, yes, I'm now free to see who I want, and do and go wherever I please, but I pretty much had those freedoms all along, as did she. However, I am only now getting to the point where I can begin to free myself from desire, and with that freedom comes a clearer perception of the way things really were between us. And that clearer perception, in turn, further dissipates the desire, and the whole process is now approaching a tipping point to where I can truly be free.

One of my complaints about L. was that I felt that she never really saw me for who I actually was - I felt that she kept assigning false assumptions and prejudices onto me, and then looking for any behavior on my part that would reinforce those false and unflattering perceptions. However, it had never occurred to me that I was not seeing the real her, either. While she kept looking at me through the unflattering end of the telescope, I was wearing rose-colored glasses. So as it turns out, neither one of us were basing our perceptions on the reality of the situation.

We saw each other for almost two years, but that time included a cumulative nine months or so of our various hiatuses. To paraphrase Bob Dylan, "I'm not saying she treated me unkind, she could have done better, but I don't mind. We just sort of wasted our precious time, but don't think twice, it's alright."

1 comment:

GreenSmile said...

That notion that a loss uncovers a hidden freedom has been with me since high school when a certain young lady proved unattainable. I am always a little suspicious of ideas I have about relationships. Sooner or later we are each way to close to the matter for objectivity, our wiring makes detachment impossible. Looking for silver linings in clouds, of which this freedom is the most complelling example, is also suspect. Sometimes a cloud is just a cloud. I know a Buddhist would have a somewhat special use for the word "detachment" but I haven't got another that works well enough for me.

I actually used to think about this funny thing humans do a lot but can't integrate those thoughts into Executioners Thong because that took on a theme and a purpose and I don't want to get off-message there.