Just Watching

From Sunday, August 08, 2004:
"To give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow is the way to control him. So it is with people: first let them do what they want, and watch them. This is the best policy. To ignore them is not good; that is the worst policy. The second worse is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them, just to watch them, without trying to control them."
- Shunryu Suzuki, "Zen Mind, Beginners Mind"
posted by Shokai at 10:23 PM

Anonymous said...
Hi,
I love this quote, but for an essay, I'm trying to figure out how this could tie into the process of overcoming grief?

Could it be that a person who is committing suicide should be left alone but supervised from a distance? Also, does it make sense if I were to make the link that a person in a state of bereavement should be left alone (w/out force, nagging) but watched so that you are sure they are okay?

Thank You
2:57 AM

First of all, thank you for reminding me of this quote. I agree, it is a beautiful and wise lesson, and one that I need to be reminded of frequently.

It is important to watch people in order to observe their true nature - who they really are and what they're really doing. The trick is to just watch, that is, to observe without assigning our own prejudices and values on them and color what we think we're observing with what we're actually seeing.

For example, it is often uncomfortable to observe a person in grief. Our compassion may want to reach out and end their suffering with soothing words and kind gestures, but if we truly observe their grieving, we can see that the grief may be part of the healing process the person needs to go through in order to recover. By interfering with the crying or the sadness, we might actually be denying the person the opportunity to recover and only make matters worse, despite our best intentions.

If we also watch ourselves, we might see that our desire to stop the grieving of others may not be entirely out of compassion, but due to our own discomfort. Grief in others may remind us of our own mortality or our own suppressed grief, and we may want the sobbing to stop because of our own discomfort, not that of others. Our society represses thoughts of death and of life's suffering, and we are often uncomfortable when we see reminders of these facts of life around us.

As we watch the grief, we may see that there are times when the person just wants to be left alone, and times when that person wants to talk or to be held. It is wise to observe from a distance when that is appropriate and to provide comfort when that is what is needed.

As Suzuki says, "just watch."

If a person is contemplating suicide or slowly killing themselves, should we just stand by and watch? Well, first of all, it is important to truly observe - what we are actually seeing may not be suicide or even contemplation of suicide, but actually something else. Is their behavior truly "suicidal," or just behavior that we don't like or feel comfortable with?

Secondly, Suzuki says that ignoring is the worst policy. If the suicidal behavior is observed to be a call for help, then help. If it's only a lifestyle with more risks then we'd be comfortable with in our own lives, then accept that it's their choice and just continue to observe. If it's the person's conscious decision to end their life because of suffering, unless you're a competent grief therapist, there's probably nothing you can do about it anyway other than let the person know the options available (therapy, counseling, etc), and continue to just watch and be ready to act when appropriate.

"Just watching" is to observe without prejudice or opinion. By "just watching," we will know when and how to act. Idly standing by and ignoring is the worst policy.