Open Letter

dear president bush,

thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding god's law. i have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. as you said "in the eyes of god marriage is based between a man and a woman." i try to share that knowledge with as many people as i can. when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, i simply remind them that leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... end of debate.

i do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of god's laws and how to follow them.

1. leviticus 25:44 states that i may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. a friend of mine claims that this applies to mexicans, but not canadians. can you clarify? why can't I own canadians?

2. i would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in exodus 21:7. in this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. i know that i am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - lev.15:19-24. the problem is how do i tell? i have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. when i burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, i know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord - lev.1:9. the problem is my neighbors. they claim the odor is not pleasing to them. should i smite them?

5. i have a neighbor who insists on working on the sabbath. exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. am i morally obligated to kill him myself, or should i ask the police to do it?

6. a friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. i don't agree. can you settle this? are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. lev.21:20 states that i may not approach the altar of god if i have a defect in my sight. i have to admit that i wear reading glasses. does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by lev.19:27. how should they die?

9. i know from lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may i still play football if i wear gloves?

10. my uncle has a farm. he violates lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). he also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? lev.24:10-16. couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (lev. 20:14)