Jeanne

"The act of acceptance, of acknowledging that change is a natural part of our interaction with others, can play a vital role in our relationships. These transitional periods can become pivotal points when true love can begin to mature and flower. We are now in a position to truly begin to know the other. To see the other as a separate individual, with faults and weaknesses perhaps, but a human being like ourselves. It is only at this point that we can make a genuine commitment, a commitment to the growth of another human being - an act of true love." - Howard Cutler

Jeanne arrived today. The hurricane that is. Once again, the wind was whipping the trees around, and rain was coming down in torrential buckets. Terry, the tenzo (cook) at our zendo, called and said that he was at the zendo tonight and not planning to go out anywhere, so if I didn't want to brave the elements and drive over to open the zendo up for Monday night service, he could cover for me. Since no one was likely to show up because of the weather anyway, I gladly took him up on the offer and took the night off. Besides, I have to drive the two hours or so it takes to get to Fort Valley, Georgia for a 10:00 meeting tomorrow morning, and have a lot of prep work to do tonight. And the electricity's still on, at least for now.

I emailed my ex-girlfriend L. earlier in the day, and told her that if her electricity went out, she was still welcome to come over here. She replied that she appreciated the offer, in fact was surprised that with all of the recent difficulties between us I was still willing to help her, but everything was working at her place, which she wisely had stocked with food for this storm.

I must admit that I still think fondly of the time she and I spent together, and feel that we both benefited tremendously from our association (I know I did). I think that one of the differences between her and I, though, relates to that whole half full/half empty conundrum. I think that in the past, I only focused on the positive, and didn't allow myself to face the negative - I just erased the difficult times from my mind. That's part of the reason that our March breakup (when she first became my "ex-girlfriend") was so difficult for me to accept. I simply hadn't allowed myself to see that there were problems. It's been difficult for me, but I think that I can see the downside better now, and am trying to maintain a balanced view, the middle way if you will, of seeing what the relationship really was, in both the good times and the not-so-good.

On the other hand, I often felt that she was working the half empty side of the glass, and focusing on the negative, the not-so-good times, and not realizing how positive the good times were - the love, the intimacy, the support. During our March-May hiatus, and to be honest, during much of our subsequent time together as well (when she became my "former ex-girlfriend"), I often mistakenly felt that if she would just come around to recognizing the good times, she'd see everything differently and then, boom!, everything would be all right. But I now realize that the balanced view alone won't change things. It only allows one to see things as they really are.

So I'm finally coming to accept this most recent change in our relationship, with her once again just my "ex-girlfriend," and am learning to let go of my attachment to L. This letting go is very difficult for me, and is not made any easier by the fact that I am not letting go out of anger or out of lost interest, but out of love and respect. I suspect that it'll take a lot of zazen, and I know that I'll also slip from time to time.

Like yesterday. As I was downloading the pictures of Saturday's hike from my camera, I found a picture of L. and I from Budapest that I had forgotten. My camera has two memory cards, one that I only use for backup - I must have accidentally pressed the switch button when I was taking the picture. Yesterday was the first time I switched over to the backup card, and there we were. Seeing her and I from happier times, even if the perception of "happier" was delusional, tugged at my heart and reinforced those attachments. Letting go is hard to do.

The electricity's still on. I've got a lot of work to do tonight for tomorrow's trip, and I have to get up early. So if the dharma's willing and the creek don't rise . . .